Feeling All the Feels
Dear ones,
I don’t know about y’all, but for me the past couple of years have been accompanied by a lot of feelings – anxiety, rage, sorrow, annoyance, love, joy, disbelief, grief, fear, loneliness, skepticism, awe, confusion, apathy, guilt, gratitude, hope, just to name a few.
In the world of mental health, feelings are in the spotlight and under the microscope a LOT. Most of us, most of the time, are trying to find a balance between feeling what we feel and remaining functional in our day-to-day experience… which, for some of us, might mean forging new relationships with our feelings.
We know that some ways of managing emotions are healthier than others, and there is evidence that ignoring, hating, rejecting, fearing, avoiding or denying our feelings can have negative effects on our health. At the same time, we know that being flooded, overwhelmed or paralyzed by intense feelings is no healthier.
So what can we do, and how can we be, with these feelings?
Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh and the mindfulness community offer strategies for attending to our feelings in order to transform them
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy employs the acronym “STOPP” as a strategy for emotional regulation
This trauma-informed practice uses the acronym of MERCY to guide us in caring for our feelings with compassion:
Treating Difficult Emotions with MERCY
Meet: see, acknowledge: “Hello, my sadness.”
Engage: ask, inquire, “Tell me a little about yourself.”
Respond with compassion: “I am here with you.”
Calm the body: breathe, walk, stretch, ground, massage
Yes: celebrate this practice/skill set, express gratitude
All of these practices reduce the impact of strong emotions by helping us name what we feel, placing us in a compassionate and empowered relationship to our feelings, and activating a relaxation response rather than the fight-flight response. Research suggests that acts of kindness and self-compassion such as those embedded in these practices can also change our brains and our bodies in ways that improve well-being.
Finding safe ways to express our feelings is also critical. This might be through talking, crying, journaling, writing letters/poems/songs, dancing, creating art, playing or listening to music, physical exercise, screaming, laughing, stomping, ripping up paper, throwing ice cubes in the tub (after all, sometimes you just need to break something!)… and how we express our emotions might vary depending on cultural factors and other individual differences.
Some things to keep in mind about feelings:
There are no “good” feelings or “bad” feelings. Some feel better/worse than others, but all are okay.
The presence of a feeling is not inherently problematic. Our action in response to the feeling can be.
Feelings change. No feeling will last forever. And you are not your feelings – you are the one feeling them.
What we feel is often connected to what we value. Tracing feelings back to values can help us accept the feelings and move through them toward values-based responses.
When the big emotions show up and ask for our attention, may we have the resources and support we need to approach them with curiosity, gentleness and intention; to allow ourselves compassion and permission to feel them, even when it’s messy; to honor our needs by setting boundaries and engaging in practices that help us to feel grounded; and to cultivate a relationship of care and commitment to honoring the values they may connect to.
Peace,
Glynn
